“HOME” & Belonging.
Setting Intentions (nowadays) is NO Joke. When we ask for what we see & seek - when we shoot for the “big” goal - when we have the courage to say: YES to our future selves & become them… it all (the old) just breaks completely down. & it happens quickly. Buckle up.
EARLY MAY 2025. I’m laying in bed with my laptop, Bubo II perched on my knees. I’ve been up since 01… maybe 02:00 & am eating frozen blueberries out of a bowl with peanut butter sprinkled with coconut sugar. Delirious from lack of sleep, exhausted from the early-morning battle with my teenage self & grateful as can be for the fact that I GET to sit & write on this gorgeous day.
Hey, it’s not the most glamorous of moments - but I’m in it. This is my reality. I’ve been in the midst of creating two programs, building my business - navigating the ups & downs of it all, wrangling my inner teenager while giving her the space to express herself lovingly, feeling every single break down that’s been coming from the inside out, trusting the process & showing up every day with the sense of urgency of 1,000 suns. If I GET to be on Gods “wake up team” - GAME ON. Let’s create a life I’m proud of.
Sibyl is pacing & purring - monitoring the neighborhood & making friends with ants. She checks on me from time to time - having recently had lunch - she’s in a Delicious mood*. The day went like this: I woke up, meditated, pulled cards, wrote a few pages then tried to record a video this AM… but she just couldn’t push out. I made muffins… more on that later, drove to Whole Foods, bought the laundry detergent, am doing the laundry & now here I lay, surrendering to the feminine. Loving the journey while equally floundering inside. It feels like something from the depths of me is shifting, as if the programs of a computer could feel things - it is deeply human yet the awareness above it - actually makes it feel less so.
Is this the view of the consciousness? Is this how all channelers feel? Is this how all HUMANS feel? Is my awareness helping or stunting this process of destruction to birth the growth? From this standpoint - I cannot tell. I’m too tired.
I am reminded of a thought I had as a girl: “Wouldn’t it be cool to be Carrie Bradshaw?”
[Insert my ENTIRE childhood & the resulting “beauty & the beast syndrome” here] - but it’s the writing for a living I’m talking about… for context.
To GET to write for a living? Live the life of your hearts desire, wander around your wonder & share your thoughts with the world?
Hey, Sarah - isn’t this exactly what you’re doing right now?
Yes, brain I see that. Yes I DO see that.
But there’s more… there’s something underneath this thought, isn’t there?
Yes. There’s a yearning - a desire of belonging - for HOME. Carrie WAS New York. **IS still for many people, I stopped after movie II & cannot watch re-runs. Healing the masculine / feminine inside (for me) means no more SATC. Irrelevant to the story - but again… for context.
BACK to Carrie - she embodied everything “I BELONG HERE & THIS SPACE ACCEPTS ME. Envelops me. Breathes me in & I breathe it out.”
The depths of my OWN In-Between has been an unexpectedly long & mentally arduous journey. I had no idea how deep I had to go to heal certain beliefs that were seemingly BURNED into my programming.
My past patterns - RUSH. I’d say: “I’ll be back on the road before you know it!” “I’ll only be here a few months & then my next home will call to me & I’ll know where to go! I’ll tell God what to do & God will do it - JUST the way I want it to happen!!”
But this time - it’s different. A full surrender & a FULL trust in the bosom of the God of your understanding means… you sit & you wait (aka process EVERY SINGLE THING that comes up). You pray, you meditate, you ground, you keep going - you do what you can with the tools that you have & when it’s “time” … it’ll be “time”.
But DIVINE TIME (this time) not MY time.
Because DIVINE timing brings the 10/10 life & HOME you’ve been creating for years, Sarah. Not the popsicle stick/ duct tape version of the realty you piece together.
Yes there are moments of “this way, Sarah” … when the clarity comes it’s bursts & bubbles & breathing is the only way through it all. The difference, you ask? What makes THIS time the last time of a pattern?
I’m going to every single root belief that does NOT serve my future & yanking it out until it is eradicated from my inner garden. Taking these generational weeds (lovingly) out of my inner being & giving them back to the earth with ease & grace - becoming the true SELF. Pure, inside & out. Gratitude for the ancestors & ALL THEY DID to get to me & saying to them all lovingly: I WILL HEAL THIS.
MUFFINS.
So I was craving Muffins the other day, but not just any muffins - Gingerbread Muffins. My mum had made gingerbread cookies a few weeks ago & the intoxicating smell was still lingering in my soul. BUT - since I don’t eat gluten or refined sugar: no cookies for Sarah. No recipes either! No options at the grocery store - NO GO, SAR. You’ll just have to suffer in your “health centered” silence & yearn forever for a day that you can have healthy treats with no sugar. Even the GLUTEN FREE Bakery near where I live does NOT HAVE a suga free treat - NOT A SINGLE ONE. For some reason, it has not yet fully formed in this location how addictive suga is. Yes, when I choose violence & decide not to poop for two days & have a full on Gollum moment - I will eat some classic sugar - when a treat made with LOVE is offered, at a holiday, etc. - special occasions!
But this was different - I wanted to be able to eat a muffin OR TWO & not have the complete adverse reaction of this addictive substance called suga aka I wanted a 10/10 gingerbread muffin.
SO… I chatted with Chat this morning - asked what are the KEY ingredients to Gingerbread making, got some general guidelines, grabbed my FAVORITE base muffin recipe & said - let’s do this! I went to the kitchen, trusted my instincts & made some of THE BEST muffins I’ve ever had in my human days. The smell filled the house & the taste was everything I had dreamed it would be ( I use coconut sugar in my baking & it was just the caramel flavor the ginger needed).
In the midst of the In-Between, in the inner sanctuary of my SOULS HOME… without the house - I created space for muffins. For the feeling of home, within the pause (extended) & enjoyed every moment of it.
Nowadays I do my best to sink into presence as often as I can - nothing is for certain & tomorrow is NOT promised. So if today were the last day I GET to walk this earth… instead of yearning for a house that is calling me & complaining that it is not here & now - I made muffins & smelled the smells that I WILL BRING to this house. Answering the call inside myself & welcoming it to blossom from THAT space.
In this moment, in the midst of chaos… life truly is 10/10.
I love you.
As always, SARAH
*Sibyl has three sides of herself: Delicious, Auspicious & the Vicious.
said muffins.